Coming Home to Myself

I accepted tonight who I really am.

I realize how much of myself I have rejected over the course of my life and how hard I've tried to become something other than myself. I guess in a way I haven't been living very honestly in the sense that I hoped the world would see what I wanted them to see, and not who I really am inside.

***What's wrong with who I am?*** 

What is so terrifying about the woman my Creator designed me to be? Why have I tried so hard to rewrite that script for Him? I think this all actually began pretty early.

I remember the first time I started comparing myself. I was thirteen years old and in the 7th grade (middle school where I come from). I sat in class and stared at a girl in front of me who was very thin and obviously popular. She acted so much older than most of our grade, which was fascinating to an innocent and conservative girl like myself. I hardly considered myself a teenager and here was another student with experience beyond my comprehension. I don't know what drew my attention to her but I studied her in class, the sarcastic way she was with guys, the unimpressive smell of cigarettes, her extreme almost invincible confidence, the way she moved and even the fact that when she sat, her jeans creased in such a way that there was a fold of excess fabric flanking her hips. This I especially noticed, because, even as a slender girl myself, I was disappointed to see that my own jeans hugged my hips in a healthy, normal way and left no folds to accentuate them. I think even now at 34, I have always secretly wished that my jeans would leave that extra pinch of fabric at my hips. I am thankful to say that this story does not end in an eating disorder, mental illness (except some later depression) or anything other than a lifetime of ruthless and vicious comparison to others, especially women.

What brings on this comparing, competing, and far worse, rejecting of the self? I generalize here because I know this is not exclusive to me. We human beings and especially women are prone to comparisons and other self-destructive and sometimes debilitating habits. Most of these are not even conscious, which makes them harder to recognize and break.

I recently emerged from a nasty divorce. I say that because the process itself is brutal and in my case, unexpected. The sense of rejection alone is horrific, but is it any surprise? when I first rejected me? I am in a much better place now, thankfully, and in some ways feel I am beginning to know myself for the first time. Is it possible that part of my downfall was this desperate attempt hide behind the mask of who I wanted to be that hid my real self from the world? The one I was scared of?
This brings me to the top of my post, Who Am I?

I said I've finally discovered myself. Would you like to meet me? I will make this easier by introducing myself through two lists. The first list is the girl I am inherently. The second is the one I tried to be for 34 years and failed. Neither is good nor bad but only one is the genuine me.

I give you Mary:

Who I am Inherently
naturally beautiful                                             
strong features, thick dark eyebrows           
naturally slender                                               
wavy, sometimes fluffy hair                             
imperfect skin                                                     
poised, elegant                                                   
thorough, detailed, slower-moving               
no sense of time                                                 
classic, timeless                                                 
a night owl - it's after midnight....                   
spiritual, obedient                                             
kind, loving
etc.                                                                         
Who I Have Tried So Hard to Be
average "normal"
perfectly manicured (i.e. overplucked eyebrows)
extremely thin
perfect straight or heat-styled hair
flawless complexion (mostly by heavy makeup)
casual, hunched, that word "normal" again
quick, energetic, high-producing
scheduled, organized
modern, hip, cool (soooooo not me)
an early sleeper/lark
lackadaisical, not too churchy
not too "sweet"
etc.

This is just a sample. Now, the truth is that I'm not really either list. I am the one who wrote both lists and am an entity all my own and I don't know if words exist that could fully describe you or me. Life isn't black and white and in all honesty, I am not always on one side. Sometimes I'm a jumbled mess of being and trying, lost out in the middle of no-man's-land.

I included some physical traits. You might argue that those can be changed, which is true, but what are they changed from? We all come here with physical aspects of ourselves that partly define us unless we change them. What's inherent? I feel like I am, for the first time in my life, seeing myself without filters - the raw material of who I really am. I know we can re-make our appearance but that isn't my point. At least not now. I want to learn and accept and love who I am before I change anything. And I mean ANYTHING! I've lived too long rejecting who I am to cover up now with more changes. So yeah, that means sometimes leaving the house without makeup. Wearing glasses when my eyes need a rest and accepting that yes, I need glasses (and being sooooooooo grateful for them!) I think gratitude is a huge part of accepting our true selves and self-rejection is a form of extreme ingratitude whether we realize it or not.

I mentioned that I'm a slow mover. This has been a big one for me. On a phone call with my mom today, she referred to us both as "plodders" and I wailed on the phone that that wasn't what I wanted to to be! It's a large part of what spurred this thought process tonight as it sparked some reflection on who I am. Most of my life I have rejected this as an unacceptable part of myself. I've tried so hard to replace it with a speedier, faster more "zippier" me and there's nothing wrong with efficiency. But I have realized that though I often move at a slower pace than most people, I am also extremely detailed and more thorough than the average person too. So it's a trade-off. If most of us saw ourselves as a package deal rather than the sum of positives and negatives, I think we would struggle less with our identities. I am a pretty great package altogether. So are you! Believe it!

Now, I have an active and very face-paced mind and that has caused a lot of conflict with my slower energy level because I can never get as much done in as little time as I can in my head (I also have an incredible imagination....) So, I have improvements to make, as we all do. But I'm not discouraged or overwhelmed. I feel excited to make positive changes and fuel new growth! We are here on earth to learn and improve, so bring it! I am ready to emerge a newly transformed duckling who really might turn out to be a swan... But it's not a makeover I'm after.

I'm ready to reveal the real me.


*Edited 8/20/2018 - the lists were hard to read before so I separated them vertically. I tried not to change my writing other than minor edits.